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I got home about 7:30am and promptly went in to take a nap. I dozed about 3 hours, I didn’t actually sleep because the bed was so darned comfortable that my brain was constantly going “ohhhh! soft! so comfy!”.
Keegan got on the bed the same time as I did and hasn’t moved yet. For all I know she may be on the bed for the rest of the day! πŸ˜€

My mind is all a whirl.

Right now all I want to do is get re-aquainted with my apartment and let my thoughts start to percolate and sort themselves out a bit.

I’ll update in a couple days.

Thanks you all!

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Thank you Katy :)

For the holiday gift last week!

I haven’t used it yet but most likely it will go towards textbooks for next semester (I hope I am able to get back into school quickly).

New Routines

I mentioned that I’m working on building new routines.

This is some of the stuff I’m doing and some of the stuff that I’m working my way up to doing. Some of it is planned but not yet happening.

So far I have 4 things that I try to do every day. (barring migraines and other assorted illness/injuries).
1. 1 hour of Khan Academy math study
2. 1 hour of Rosetta Stone Spanish, Latin America, study
3. 20 minutes of walking or jogging outside
4. 3 items off of my “to-do” list, this usually involves errands such as…

  • – the post office
  • – pay bills online
  • – call old bills/collection agencies and pay off debts
  • – call trainers and dog rescue orgs about dogs
  • – search for, call, or arrange visits of rental properties
  • – check and verify, keep track of, VA medical appts
  • – chiro appts
  • – refill various medications
  • – and other various errands that pop up like getting a new phone, dropping off paperwork, requesting paperwork, all sorts of little things.
  • Soon, I hope my list will include items such as..

  • daily dog sitting visits
  • dog training sessions with clients
  • general housekeeping/nanny support – this one not any time soon though
  • ad hoc repair and altering business by word of mouth only
  • tri-weekly rowing sessions with rowing team
  • 1 hour a day of knitting small items for side craft business
  • Residential Program for Women Veterans with PTSD

    I know I mentioned this a while back. It looks like I get an interview next week to see if they will accept me for the program.

    A “residential program” sounds pretty bad right? It does to me on the outside. I mean, that’s where crazy people go, or really rich people who get hooked on all the wrong stuff go.

    But, I’m not being committed. I’m applying of my own free will. And I have great hope that I will learn some very useful coping and management skills.

    Even more than the skills though I am hoping that being around a small group of other women who’ve dealt with the same thing I have, I’m betting some had even more childhood trauma than I did as well, that I will get it through my head (and soul) that I am not alone. That there are others who understand exactly what I’ve dealt with and will always deal with.
    I hope that in the process of having compassion for my fellows (feminine version of fellows??) that some of the deep deep anger and shame for myself will dissipate. That maybe the compassion will expand so much that the shame and anger will be pushed out for lack of room and time and will disappear from my psyche. (Okay, maybe that’s a bit woo woo sounding.. but I think everyone understands the point I’m trying to make).

    Lastly, just as important to me coming out of 6 months of homelessness, is building a routine. Getting back into the habit of exercising. Eating regularly and well (though I’ve been eating awesome with the friends I’m staying with I’m still not doing as well as I should with the regularity part).
    I’m working on building my own routine here but a little help from people who are more familiar with the issues I face will not be ignored!

    And I guess one last note/ps. The VA is one of the most advanced PTSD treatment processes in the USA. Goodness knows they have had ample reason to become so. But I have some confidence, maybe almost a bit of trust, in their processes, which means that I will be more likely to go through the sessions/training with an open mind, without asking all the questions that I always have to ask. I’ll trust them enough to do what they say and believe that it might help me and save my questions of why and how it helps for later.

    when it rains it pours

    Yesterday was one of the busiest days information wise that I’ve had in many many years.

    I’ll try to list everything and a short reason of why it’s important…

    – heard back from my old rowing club and I’m getting a year’s scholarship.
    This is huge because rowing is one of the easiest on your joints ways of getting in shape fast but more important because when I was a social animal, most of my socializing was with my rowing friends. I’ll be back in a place that I know, am mostly comfortable in, and around people that I know.

    – heard back from the dog rescue people.
    I’m now approved to go visit the dog named “Ice” and see if we’d be a good fit. I’m in the middle of working with the training organization here locally to go with me and do an assessment of her service dog possibility.

    – heard back from a possible studio house leaser
    I need a place before I can bring the dog named “Ice” home. 5 dogs in one house (where I’m staying now has 3 dogs plus Keegan) would just be too much. Seriously.
    Of course, this is the most up in the air and fragile happening, but getting responses is a good start.

    – might have a place to board new dog if needed while I’m house hunting

    – got a sample in the mail (thanks Alyce) for a Tide brand “pod” which is in perfect time as I will be out of town for the weekend and will likely want to wash clothes while I’m gone (not taking much). The little pod is very convenient to take with me in a small shoulder bag.

    – finally got auto insurance again on my truck (whew!) so when I take it into the shop today, that also does state inspections, I’ll be able to get it inspected (once they work on it).

    – applied for section 8 housing, lots of paperwork.
    I do qualify for one of their priority groups. The issue is seeing if I qualify monetarily. I can’t see as how I wouldn’t since I can’t get into an apartment because I don’t make enough a month to qualify.

    Wow. I’m tired again just reading my list!

    A little ray of sunshine

    Today I’m a moving sun.

    I’m wearing my bright yellow tee shirt, with my white wedge flippy flops, and yellow sunglasses (and blue jean shorts).

    I’ll be so bright people will have to shade their eyes at the crosswalk.
    πŸ˜€

    When Caryl took me to pick out clothes I fell in love with this colour but up until now I’ve been to shy to wear it. It’s not a colour that blends in with the background (unless you live on the sun).

    I’ve taken it off the hanger and put it on several times in the last week but always demurred, no, a bit too bright, no, doesn’t match my skin colour, no… blah blah blah.
    Today I put it on and left it on.

    Here’s to burgeoning confidence…

    clothes make the woman

    The lady of the couple that I’m staying with is of the firm belief that when entering a new stage of your life mentally/emotionally you also need a physical representation of that change.
    As well as the fact that I needed some clothes fit for wandering around in society that didn’t look like I’d slept in them for weeks on end. (not that I actually slept in my wandering around clothes but they’re decidedly the worse for wear)

    She also likes shoes. πŸ˜€
    So I have a few new tees, bright girly soft tees. A few pairs of inexpensive matching, what she calls “single season”, flip flops.
    AND, a couple pairs of nice multi-season wedge sandals (also in flip flop styling). They’re not terribly expensive but they’re more expensive than I would have been comfortable spending; they’re nice!!! Oh so comfy!

    They make me feel new, and they’re a constant reminder that I’m somewhere new in my life. That gives me confidence.

    Add a couple pairs of jean shorts from a company that actually makes clothes that fit me and a new pair of jeans (from the same company that I got the ones that have been worn to extinction) and I’m set!

    dog update

    So the quest just to meet the dog I was interested in continues.

    I swear, I spent 3 hours filling out their 5 page application form and they *still* didn’t bother reading it thoroughly.
    I’m getting questions about stuff I did NOT say. And they’re making assumptions that blow my mind.
    Asking why I got Keegan spayed at 14 years old. Huh??? Where the hell did that come from? Keegan was spayed at 6 months old, as her rescue agreement demanded.

    Anyway, two phone calls later from my current landlord saying that yes, a large dog would be allowed here, multiple emails, and much much time put forth on my part, and I get an email saying they would make a decision on wednesday.

    All this just for the opportunity to drive to Houston and meet the dog.
    I have no idea if the dog and I will “click”, or if the dog will make a good service dog. I can’t know any of this until I meet the dog. But I’ve spent over a month on administration just to get the opportunity to see if I want to adopt the dog.

    I’m starting to think it would have been better just to get a shelter dog (rather than a breed rescue dog). We could have been halfway through the training by now.

    Update

    I haven’t been writing much I know. Too much happening.

    First, my VA claim has gone through. So for the next year I’ll get a monthly stipend and medical care. The review the claim every year so I could very well lose benefits next year.
    But, for now, my past week has been non-stop medical appts and catching up on everything that will need to be done.

    I’m looking for a place but I still have to find a place under $600 max, preferably $500. Because I’ll have utilities and food and auto insurance and all those other things. Rent is supposed to be no more than 1/3 of your monthly income but I’m looking at more like 1/2 of my income.
    So send positive vibes or whatever you believe in to help me find a place under $500. I should be getting a place that’s no more than $400 but that just doesn’t exist here.

    I’m looking at dogs for a new service dog. I have one I’m interested in at a rescue org a couple hours away. I’ve filled out all the paperwork and such but I haven’t heard back yet. I had to do all the paperwork and references before I could even meet the dog. I won’t know if she’s a good fit until I get to meet her and hopefully spend a couple hours with her.

    But, I’ve also been in contact with a service dog training organization based out of san antonio/austin who help train PTSD dogs. If my chosen dog doesn’t work out they’ll help me find another dog. So I *will* get a dog in the end. They also help the “old” dog (Keegan) adjust to the new dog. I asked specifically because Keegan gets so upset when she doesn’t go with me that I was concerned she’d just lay down and die if a new working dog came into the picture. But the trainers said that’s very unlikely and they’ll help me show Keegan that she’s still top dog but that now she can relax and spend her days sleeping instead of working. (She sleeps a lot these days, at 14 years old).

    sleeping well.

    So it will be two weeks that I’ve been here at my friend’s place come this evening.

    I’m now sleeping well. I’ve had a couple nightmares start but I woke up and was able to go back to sleep. The first week I woke up every 50 minutes or so, like you do when you’re sleeping in open areas with people and traffic and police roaming around. Now I’m waking up maybe once or twice in the middle of the night and it’s not always nightmares (sometimes I have to go pee).

    But while I’m still tired in the middle of the day, I think my body is just tired overall and will need some time to recuperate, when I wake up I’m awake and not tired at all!

    This is totally new ground for me.
    A bit scary, but very exciting too.

    GIrly fun.

    This evening was quite fun πŸ˜€
    Rowing wife and I did virtual window shopping (online) for shoes and skirts and shorts. It was a lesson in what to wear with what, how to wear what so that it is the most flattering for my figure, and the general “ohhhh! that one’s nice!” vs “oh my… is that a shoe?” conversations.

    I never knew being a girl could be so much fun!

    phone/computer errands done

    Thanks to Roxanne, I finally have a working phone again.

    So this morning has been constant calling of various doctors, agencies, and whatever else needed doing.

    I now know that a working phone is one of the essential tools to staying connected, even for a homeless person.
    All the agencies you work with, the doctors, the food stamps, whoever you might be working with, expect you to have a phone. Even if you’re homeless.
    Really.

    So, I feel pretty accomplished right now.

    Note to universe, don’t ruin my good mood! πŸ˜€

    Cravings

    I’ve been here at my friend’s place a week now. Wow..

    Anyway, I’m starting to eat a bit healthier now that I have easy access to a bathroom at any time of the day or night. Lots of fiber, lots of veggies and fruits, and even meat.

    But yesterday day late and today I’d been craving something. I couldn’t figure out what though.

    Tonight, guy friend brought home a juicer. He then made fresh juiced uhmm… juice? for all of us.

    The first one was beets, spinach, apples. OMG! Craving fixed, stopped in it’s tracks. Oh that was good! I dunno what vitamin it was that my body wanted but that was amazing.

    Ah.. a quick google shows that beet roots contain a lot of electrolytes, magnesium, potassium, as well as iron and vitamin B. Maybe I was needing electrolytes.

    So tonight I go to bed without any food cravings.

    triathlon is a go!

    My friend sent me money for the registration and the assurance that he was also registered and going to do the race.

    So in a few days when the money hits my account I’ll register too.

    I found myself surprised today at how excited I was to be doing this. It’s been well over a decade since I’ve done a triathlon and I’m pitifully out of shape. But I enjoyed doing them back then, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to figure out how to deal with the crowds. I don’t know how yet. But there has to be a way.
    Once the race starts and most of the swim waves get gone it really isn’t very crowded usually. It’s waiting for the race to start, everyone queued up in their waves, waiting, fidgeting, pushing, crammed together. That gets me. So we’ll see what I can come up with to deal with the issues.

    “I want…”

    Apparently, though I don’t think you’d see it in this blog, I supposedly have a difficult time asking for help.

    I dunno… sometimes I do!

    Anyway.. while we were discussing what my dreams were for the future, on the assumption that all of my claims would be approved, I mentioned I wanted to get back out on the water.

    I used to row, scull, sit backwards in a really long really skinny boat and row backwards. πŸ™‚

    The male of the couple I’m staying with I first met while rowing. He’s freakin’ good. I’m moderately good for a civilian but I’m not at the level he is as an athlete.

    Anyway, he said, “so when do you want to go rowing?”

    Well I stared at him for a minute or so, then started to explain that I couldn’t go row because you have to be a member of the club and I don’t have the money to be a member at this time, and probably some time to come, if ever again.

    But he said, “so we’ll go rowing.”
    So! Either he’ll get permission for me to come out (as a prior member of the club) or maybe pay for a “rowing card” which has a certain number of uses allowed.

    Woot!

    I miss rowing being out in the middle of the river/lake (it’s a dammed river), sculling along. It’s peaceful yet challenging all at the same time.

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