Today is the first time I’ve woken up happy/excited about my birthday.

When I was a child it was just another milestone of survival, nothing special ever happened on my birthdays; though after my stepmother entered the picture she did try.

After the army trauma it was just another year of survival that constantly surprised me.

Today though, I woke up knowing that I had a plan; even if it’s a short range plan. I’m actively pursuing a program that I think might help me get past just survival and allow me to live.

Today, I woke up thinking of all the things in the world that I still want to do, both short range and long range.

I am still scared of the program starting on Tuesday. I think it may be harder than anything I’ve ever done, including marathons, triathlons, boot camp, and being homeless.
But if I can get through this, and today I am feeling optimistic, then I have no idea where my life could take me.

Someone told me yesterday that the unknown is what many people fear.
I don’t fear the unknown, I fear the past known.
Yes, I fear pain, I don’t like pain. I’d really like to avoid pain but I know that there’s no way to avoid it so I don’t spend a whole lot of time trying to avoid it at the expense of getting where I want/need to go.

For me, the unknown is, at last, full of promise.
Who knows where I could go or what I could do?
It may not be much different from what people would see from what they see now, but living without the past being my present would be a huge change for me.