42, the answer to everything

I remember joking last year that maybe this past year would be full of answers. That maybe I would figure out what was holding me back from living.

I’ll be 43 in 7 days, my year of “answers” will be ending.

I’m reviewing what I’ve learned. Truthfully, so much has occurred that frequently it’s still difficult to distinguish between the questions and the answers.
I was homeless for 6 of those 12 months. The last 2 of those months have been a whirlwind of VA appointments and trying to reintegrate with society.

Some of my questions became more difficult to answer. For instance, what is family? I’m more confused than I was at the start of the year. What seems like a straight forward answer, especially with the added data from the past year, still isn’t clear in my mind.
What my intellect tells me, well, even my intellect has two views of the question.

I’ve learned some new skills. But I still don’t understand when to use these skills. Nor do I understand how to use them.
Perhaps it is more that I’ve become aware of new techniques but I still don’t know how, when, or why to apply the techniques.
Still, awareness is the first step.

I have learned more answers about who I am, what I am. These answers may be enough to count the entire year a success.
I am worthwhile. There is nothing that makes me special or unique and there doesn’t need to be.
This doesn’t mean that I expect special treatment; it means I expect humane treatment, it means I demand respect from myself. No longer will I allow others to use me as a toy or a convenience for their desires; no longer will I feel guilty for saying “no” or cave in because they won’t “like” me anymore.

I have traveled the first steps on the road that separates alone-ness and loneliness. This taste of knowledge makes it easier to be who I am.
This road outpaces fear of ostracization; it allows me to pursue my dreams without fear of censure from those outside my life, allows me to accept those into my life that truly care for me, and gives me the strength to deny those who would treat me with disrespect.

I am too early come to my road to make any further conclusions, to define more answers; maybe this time next year….

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  1. Anonymous

     /  May 20, 2012

    The 26th or the 27th?


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