In my quest to figure out why life messes with me like it does (I would have used affect/effect, but I still can’t figure out which I which), I’ve been reading a lot.

The psych who runs one of the ‘how to deal with PTSD symptoms’ at the VA has suggested a couple titles, but a couple more I’ve found on my own, seemingly at random.

One I’m reading right now is called “The Voice of Knowledge” by Don Miguel Ruiz.
At first glance it’s a new age hippie mushroom ancient gods type of book.
But if you are in the right place in your questioning, and can be open minded enough to look past the possible appearances, it’s actually quite thought provoking.
It is a bit wordy (though that’s me, the kettle, calling the pot black).

It seems that several of the books I’m reading right now, and several of the people I have conversations with, are all trying to communicate the same thought.

The thought, what you ‘think’ is a ‘story’, is pretty straightforward; but applying that thought is decidedly difficult.

Don Ruiz says that the constant internal dialogue we have in our heads is a story we tell ourselves. That what we think of as ‘thinking’, is a story we are reading to ourselves.
I’m not sure how this corresponds to ‘thinking’ when you’re studying chemistry, or trig, or Spanish.
But, if what’s he’s talking about is the general monologue that is always with us, that I can understand as being a ‘story’.
How to disbelieve my internal dialogue is… challenging. It’s been with me since before I could talk coherently. How do I un-believe something I’ve been told my whole life; and told not just by everyone who had authority over me, but eventually told myself as well.

When I look back on my childhood I see that I did not accept these stories about myself easily. I fought the lies because I knew, somehow, deep inside, that they weren’t correct. But eventually, even though a very small part of me hung on to that small rebellion against the lies, the majority of my psyche believed it. It was safer, easier, necessary.

I have hope that perhaps, because I recognised that they were ‘wrong’, untruths, that perhaps retraining myself to recognise and believe that the untruths actually are untrue might be easier than if I’d never questioned the stories/lies. Maybe the transition in the stories I read to myself constantly will be complete sooner rather than later.

This may not make any sense to some of you. It wouldn’t have been anything I could/would have considered useful or true just six months ago, maybe not even two months ago.
But if it does make sense to you or it triggers some hint of deja vu in your mind, leave me a comment.
Of course you can still leave a comment even if you think it’s total nonsense, just be polite. 🙂

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