contemplative today

Since I’ve been staying here the past 2 weeks I’ve had to start relearning society’s rules and start forgetting the rules of homelessness. It’s been more difficult than I would have thought possible.

When you think of such a thing, it seems like it would be the easiest thing in the world. Most of us have spent most of our lives learning the rules of society, and I was only homeless for 5 months. It seems like it should be simple to revert back to pre-homeless mindset.
It isn’t.

Once a week or so I go back south to visit the group. Just to catch up, to see if they’re doing okay, to let them know I haven’t forgotten them or forgotten their acceptance of me when I needed it most.

But today after I left… it was difficult. I noticed for the first time the smells, the filth, all the things I hadn’t noticed when I first showed up because I’d already been homeless for a few weeks when they invited me in to the group.
I noticed that I was losing the ability to just hang out and not think about time passing outside.
I felt the urge to be busy, to get going; I couldn’t just relax. I was restless.

The one thing I think being homeless taught me was to live in the moment. To stop worrying about the future, about the past. The only thing that matters is the right now, the sun shining, the rain pouring, the wind whipping through, the long weeds swaying in the breeze.
I think I’ve already started to lose the most valuable lesson the past year has taught me.
I don’t know how to not lose that lesson while still belonging to modern society.

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