grandma’s birthday

Today is my grandma’s birthday. She’s 94. I haven’t seen her since I started living in my truck.
For whatever reason, the last several weeks I was visiting grandma, she’d start sobbing when I came in and said hello. I don’t know if she felt I was safe to sob around, that I wouldn’t scold her for it, or if I reminded her of my absent mother. But serious sobbing and “why is god mad at me” dialogues. I couldn’t handle it with all that I was facing. So I stopped going.
Life has been rough enough while in my truck that I couldn’t even think about going without feeling a panic attack start.

Today though, I’ve been some place safe for 3 days and I’ve slept a bit more through the night each night.

One of my aunts is having a birthday gathering for my grandma. A finger foods milling about gathering. I’m going to show up for a bit, 30-40 minutes. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to face their disdain and smirks and condemnations. I’m already edgy and nervous just thinking about going. But my one aunt and my grandma, they will be worth it to go see. (I keep telling myself this).

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4 Comments

  1. Anonymous

     /  February 25, 2012

    You can only do what you can for YOU. Take care of YOU. Going will be good, stay as long as it is good for YOU. 🙂
    Alyce

    Reply
  2. stillstrange

     /  February 25, 2012

    Perhaps your Grandma has mixed feelings. ..you never know at that age. At 94, I believe she has the right to sob at anything. I believe you should go for a short time. Hey at least you’ll get your fill of Finger Food

    Reply
  3. Marty

     /  February 25, 2012

    The main thing with grandma is her memory’s so totally shot she hardly ever knows where she is, who she’s with and what’s going on. I once visited her twice in the same week and she recognized me the second time, but otherwise she has no idea and gusses I work there or something. She doesn’t even know Jeff anymore.

    And hey, I’m looking forward to seeing ya!

    Reply
  4. Oh I agree, grandma has every right to sob if she wants to, but *I* couldn’t handle it.

    And as cousin Marty says… Yep, what he said.

    Be there in a few Marty!

    Reply

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