I’ve been wondering lately if I could maybe turn into a person that actually laughs and smiles.

I don’t think I’ve ever been a cheerful person, not because I didn’t want to be, but because I’d been taught not to be.

I noticed tonight that when I sit with the guys behind the electrical boxes, just sitting and relaxing, that I laugh.

I don’t know why for sure. It isn’t the “laugh or cry” laugh I’m used too, it’s just amusement.

I don’t know if I’m “happier” now, or less stressed, or if the pressure to blend in with society has been lifted so that I am free to laugh about what I want to laugh about without being censured.

I find that I’m looking forward to visiting with the group after class. It’s a relief to be welcomed into a community, accepted without restrictions. Without feeling like I have to prove something.

They always ask me how class went and they are encouraging of my excitement about school. There’s no mocking about my desire to learn, there’s no conflict between my being homeless and still going to school. There’s also no censure to the young fellow that’s just started hanging out with us who should be in school but isn’t.

I don’t know who I am or what I am.
I don’t know what I want to do with my life; my life has always been about survival. When I get past survival I have no idea what I might be good at.

I realize that this post is rather disjointed and English teachers everywhere will be twitching uncontrollably, my apologies. I don’t have any conclusion or even a clearly defined question. I suppose that these are a series of thoughts I want to record, to store until I have more data; maybe to share in case others have been here before me.

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