I spent today in one of the hidden (or more hidden anyway) spots. No one bothers me here, I can sit in my little camp chair and let Keegan run thru the brush to her hearts content.

I’ve spent today knitting. Now my hands are so stiff they feel like claws. Fortunately, a claw position allows for pretty easy typing on the iPad.

I am still terrified. The nightmares are bad right now and convincing myself to try and sleep is pointless.

I know that I don’t often mention it, but being constantly terrified is my life. Much, hopefully most, of the time I keep it damped down enough that people don’t notice it. At least I don’t think they do. I still laugh and smile and find joy where I can, but underneath it all is the thread of terror.

It isn’t fear of someone breaking into my camper, it isn’t fear of death. I haven’t figured out yet how to describe what it is.

I am better than yesterday I suppose.
I still have no answers for any of the problems from yesterday though.