Warning: depressing. Not for Sam I Ams.

Anytime I lose my balance, usually by being “out” in society for a few hours, I get completely depressed and old thoughts jump out and taunt me.

I suppose the only thing I can compare it to is what I’ve heard of people with bipolar. They feel fine while on their meds but if they get off, the world is so overwhelming and brutal that they can’t get back *on* the meds.

It’s sort of like that. When I’m completely down for the count it’s difficult to accept that given a few days and I’ll probably, most likely, be able to see daylight again.
But I’m also a realist, so even while I’m telling myself and my taunting thoughts that I’ll be able to handle things again, I know that the issues which threaten to drown me won’t be any better then. I’ll be just as pathetic then as I am now, I’ll just be able to pretend I don’t care.

Right now… School is starting next week.
But throughout this month I have to go to various doctor appts on the far sides of town, these are essential for the SSI and VA evaluations coming up this month and next. But I have NO gas money. I have no phone.
There’s no way I could take a bus and still get back in time for classes. And no, I have no say when the appts are.

I have no way of making any money.
I’m knitting as fast as my busted fingers will allow but even if I get stuff done I have no way to sell it.
I do have an acquaintance who has asked me about some hemp stocking caps that might be resold but I would have to order the hemp yarn (i have looked locally but no luck) and I have no money to order it.

Right now i have no way up, no way out; it looks like a really good time to learn to drink cheap beer, smoke ditch grown pot, and wait for death by homelessness.