Feeling a bit vulnerable tonight.

I mentioned that I’d met the first person in the extended group that I don’t like.
It’s also the first time I’ve seen D drunk; I mean drunk, not just lightly buzzed. It made me sad.

I moved my truck for the night.
I don’t like people, most especially that new guy, being near me when I’m sleeping.

I will be shutting my phone off tomorrow. There is a program for a greatly reduced phone that I’m applying to but it will likely be a few months before that gets processed.
I didn’t actually use the phone that much, but losing it makes me feel unsettled. Like I’m losing a connection to the world, even if I didn’t use it much, it was still there.

Fortunately, I think, I just joined that gym and being there gives me one more connection to the world. And the wifi to be able to blog. 🙂

Tonight though I want to drink alcohol and watch tv and forget the world exists, forget that it ever expected anything from me or that I ever hoped for something from it. *

But also, as I typed the proceeding paragraph, I felt the accomplishment at managing my circumstances moderately well and perhaps a bit of..joy? maybe? at being sane and somehow fairly sure of myself. Somehow, as lonely and sad as I am right now, I am proud of myself for being.
Loneliness and sadness have been with me all my life, but the micro-thin layer of joy underlying those feelings is something new and unexpected.

* Of course I won’t, because I’m not much of an alcohol drinker and I don’t have any TV.

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1 Comment

  1. Anonymous

     /  December 31, 2011

    Glad you moved. I hate being afraid or even unsettled. Good you use your gut to make decisions, its usually right.


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