I don’t really have anything to say today.

Well, maybe I do, once I get going my fingers sometimes say what my mind can’t.

I’ve been trying to decide if I should drop out of school.

It’s difficult studying effectively when you’re bundled up in the back of a truck. I know lots of people do it but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
And I have to admit that straddling both worlds, society and homeless, is even more difficult.

These two worlds have different time patterns, different goals, different roles for it’s participants.

The urge to go ahead and drop into the homeless culture is strong. I’m middle-aged, tired, broken, cynical, and totally missing the hope I still had as a young adult.
To just stop and relax, be still, be accepted, is an overwhelming urge.

I have no reason to “fight” the process, no reason to “hang on”; and while this may be the “only game in town” there’s nothing that says I can’t sit on the bench and watch it from the sidelines.

I enjoy learning, I still enjoy school during those times I’m not overwhelmed by all the sensory issues and PTSD.
But I don’t enjoy the stress. The always being behind and trying to catch up (because I learn slow! The struggle to not blank out and miss entire lectures.
Learning is the only thing that forces me to keep one toe in the world of proper society.
If I could let that go I could drift away quietly.

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3 Comments

  1. Jerryprism

     /  December 12, 2011

    A few thoughts. What do you lose when you drop out? What will happen to you when you give up that life? Is the alternative more stultifying? Is there a way you can still stay in school? Is there someone in your school or street community you can talk to about thhd ( not text, but talk. Human contact is important) You may gave thought these thoughts already. Regrets suck

    Reply
  2. Ann G

     /  December 17, 2011

    Could you cut your class load next semester? Take a just for fun class? I worry that you might get lost without the structure of school unless you find some other healthy structure to replace it.

    Reply
    • That is exactly my fear as well.

      Financial Aid won’t allow me to take any classes that aren’t required for my degree plan. Since I entered with a degree, all electives are filled and all I have left are math and science classes.

      Reply

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