My body is tired but my mind is uneasy.

Many times, like tonight, I am too easily concerned if I’m being the person I want to be, or if I’m being like those I’ve promised myself I won’t be.

Sometimes I think I’ve measured my whole life by what I won’t be, rather than what I could be.

Growing up, my role models taught me what to not become, seldom did I have a role model that I wanted to emulate. Those that did appear never stayed in my life very long (or rather I was moved out of their influence.)

I learned to focus on the “not” instead of the “will be”. So much that I don’t really know how to describe what I want to be, or what I want to leave in people’s memories of me in positive terms.

I stand in place, silent to any who may see, my mind warring with my emotions. My inner vision staring down my defiant mantras.
I never know who won.