Learning To Fly

I’ve lived my life according to plans. Plans that I’ve thought of, adjusted, scrapped, re-formed, brought in as back-ups, and sometimes borrowed.

What I’m trying to say is that the majority of what I’ve done in my life was a conscious decision.

Do I say this, that, or nothing? What are the most likely scenarios of those three options. Of those scenarios, which is the one that will cause the least harm should it go badly?

Do I choose this class/major/job or that? What is the likelihood that this job will even out in the long run vs becoming a dead end I can’t escape from. When this job is finished what is the likelihood that I can move in any of the reasonable directions I would need/want to go?

It is likely that most people do this for the “big” decisions.
I’ve done it for even the daily small decisions.
(many is the time I’ve said or done nothing because none of the actions I can see would be useful, and would more likely, cause pain or harm to someone else)

But I think that I’m at a point in my life where I can’t see any road out of this situation.
This is very distressing for me. I’ve always been able to see a possibility, even though the roads may be ugly, difficult, or demeaning.
But now.. Given the conditions that I can’t change, I can’t see any roads.

I think I’m at a place where I spread my sails and see where the wind blows me. While this may solve the difficulty of not having a road, it doesn’t guarantee a comfortable landing, or even a safe landing.

I’ve seen comments about people where the highest praise was “he was never afraid to take a chance” and “he never let the absence of a path stop him from getting to where he wanted to go”.
This always looked to me like a nice way of saying “well, he never managed to settle down to anything productive but he sure didn’t mind failing at every news thing that came along”.

But there is a small group of people that does fly and succeed. True, they have support I’ve never had and never will, but they do fly.

Since there are no roads out from this spot I wonder if it’s time to find a high spot in the road and start flapping my arms.

Either I’ll fly or I’ll make a nice localized dust storm.

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  1. Jerryprism

     /  December 2, 2011

    for me, it’s a balance between the two. sometimes i’ve gotta stop and think and weigh the implications of what you are going to do. other times i just makethe snap decision and take the consequences. i’ve just learned from experience to be confident that the snap decisions won’t hurt me or others. i guess it come from haing a fairly normal childhood with decent parents and a minimum of trauma. don’t know, but sometimes i can just trust my hunches


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