I’m really discouraged right now.

Nothing lately has gone “well”.

I feel more and more alone as each day passes.

I want to run away, though I don’t know of any place to run to.

I keep a good face on it I think. I don’t look homeless and when people see me and my hobbit house they invariably say “Oh! You’re doing pretty well!”, which is good I suppose.
But it takes a lot of energy to look positive all the time.

They say that if you smile and/or laugh that your mind picks up the signals from the body and becomes happy. My mind obviously missed that programming class because it doesn’t work for me.

I keep following the rules but it’s never paid off for me.

I keep wondering what I could have done differently that would have changed my life for the better, and truthfully, I can’t think of anything. I might have done some things differently but the end outcome wouldn’t be any different than now so far as I can follow the paths.

I keep wondering what I could do now to be worth something.
I wonder what I could do to have someone want me.

I know that many people find comfort in their version of a higher being, though names and stories may differ.
I don’t. I haven’t since I was 7 years old.
Don’t get me wrong, I do my best to follow the tenents of the faith I nominally follow; I believe there is reason for guidelines and a shared history. But I don’t believe in a higher being that cares about me specifically or gives one iota of thought to how I am doing, or that can change the world around me to be more accommodating to my needs or desires.
I wish I did.

I wish I had something of worth to show to the world.
And no, being my bright cheerful little self isn’t enough.

I’ve taken care of people that were important to me from the time I was a small child. But no one ever took care of me.

I never had a band of fellows, people like me that I could relate too.
I think it might have been easier if I had.
I think it might be easier now if there was a group that I could belong to, a group that understood my life.

My life has been so many things. Sometimes I almost feel like I’m approaching the limit of what I’ve seen and what I’ve done.
I used to ask my grandma about what she’d seen in her life, born in 1918, still alive but with too much dementia now to remember anything most of the time. She doesn’t even remember who I am anymore.
Sometimes I feel that I’ve seen as much, in one way, as my grandma saw over her life. And she saw a lot. Perhaps I’m wrong, in fact, I must be, the hubris of thinking so… but I still feel so heavy. I’ve seen so many of the wrong things. And I have no family to share the weight.

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7 Comments

  1. Katy

     /  November 14, 2011

    Hey Rachel. Reading and thinking of you.

    Reply
  2. Anonymous

     /  November 14, 2011

    Obviously you know better than I but could you lean on friends and we have read about a sister. Would moving somewhere else bring you closer to more friends or family? You could transfer college credits. You seem much like me. I enjoy being with some people but really need my space to get away from them. Makes me nuts to be around them constantly. 99.9% of my friends are online. That other percent is my 3 kids. I birthed my friends. Lol. I made and faded away from many friends in my life. You leave school and change jobs and you intrestest change from theirs. My only constant friends are my kids now that I haven’t worked since 2000. I slightly know where you are coming from in that area. Lol wow I just wrote a book that don’t help you at all. I said all that to say. Move to PA and go to Penn State and we can hang together when we feel like it. :). Alyce

    Reply
    • Heh… 🙂

      My baby sister is in no position to be able to help me. But she is accepting of my situation which is good.

      I’ve learned that different people have different “levels” of being able to help, whatever the situation. A good friend learns those limits and doesn’t ask for more than their friends can give. Accept what they offer gratefully but do not be disappointed that they may not be able to give what you wish they could.

      I’ve never been north of D.C. So I have no idea what it’s like up there where you are. But I’ve heard it’s pretty cold! You know, that painting of George Washington crossing the Delaware? That’s my impression of the northeast. 😀

      Reply
  3. Alyce Aber

     /  November 15, 2011

    Huh well crap I did forget its cold here, REALLY cold. LOL I told my kids I was going to live in my van like you live in your truck. Told me to shut up. I had to reconsider when I thought of HOT summers and COLD winters. I would have to move to a more temperate area. Not ready to do that, YET.

    Reply
  4. Ann G

     /  November 16, 2011

    It’s supposed to hit freezing this weekend in Seattle. Not exactly a good time to be camping out up here where there might be more support.

    Reply
  5. homelessnyc

     /  December 2, 2011

    : ( I hope that you are feeling better now hon…

    Reply

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