Hibernating.

One of the issues that makes it almost impossible to hold a job anymore is the overload of stimuli.
When I was younger I was “depressed”, no interest in anything, even across the board.
I may have always been in danger of walking in front of a bus but most of the time I could function well enough to hold down some sort of a job. People didn’t like me much, but, you can’t have everything.

Then the docs put me on antidepressants. And my world exploded.
Everything is too much. Sound, light, the pressure of the wind, the weight of shoes, the contrast of letters on paper.
I guess I imploded.

Since then, one doc has hypothesized that I became depressed to shut down the overload of stimuli when I was a child. There being no other option. Just stop noticing the world and everything in it.

I have no idea if his theory has any validity but it doesn’t really matter. I am what I am where I am.

So today, I’m hibernating.

I’m in my camper.
I’m not interacting with people.
I’m not going into the school library where the temperature turns my fingers blue and the noise level makes me dizzy and the lights give me headaches and the smells just hurt in some way I can’t define.

I “should” go to the library. I should recharge my solar battery, do my online homework that’s due tomorrow (can’t do it on an iPad), type out the homework that’s due Thursday, and take my ramen noodles up to the student lounge and use the microwave.
But I’m not.

This is the part that I find it impossible to explain to people. If I “should” do something, why don’t I just tough it up and push through. Then it will be done.
But it won’t be done. There will be something the next day and the next day. Meanwhile the headache never goes away, I’m constantly holding back tears from the pain and dizziness, and I’m not doing anything “well”.

So today is my hibernate day. The day I stare into space. Doze. Do nothing.
Then tomorrow I face the world again and try to ignore the pain for another week.

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3 Comments

  1. Anonymous

     /  October 24, 2011

    You need to do what is best for you and only you know what that is.

    Reply
  2. Ann G

     /  October 24, 2011

    Sounds like today is a mental health day off for you. 🙂

    If you want to geek out on mental health on your iPad instead of going to the library, you might want to read up on Sensory Processing Disorder. https://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/05/health/psychology/05sens.html?pagewanted=all

    Reply
  3. Thanks Ann, I’ll give it a read.

    Reply

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