I am not afraid.

Today I spent some time in the local Barnes and Nobel bookstore. Except for the really annoying music played at a mind-numbing volume, it’s okay. It isn’t too cold, there’s free wifi, if you’re sitting on the floor reading no one tells you to move, and I can read any nook book free for an hour.

That’s the background, I was there.
As I browsed the shelves I saw a couple books I’d read some time ago but no longer have because of downsizing.
They were both by Pema Chodron and dealt with how to handle fear in troubling times.
As I reviewed the books, taking in a paragraph here and there, I realized that I wasn’t afraid.

I am not afraid.
I don’t know what’s coming. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to live like this. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost my truck. Okay, that last one still scares me a bit.
But mostly, in the day to day living, I am not afraid.

I used to think that the only way to not be afraid was to not have anything to lose, to have lost everything, including yourself. I don’t think that is the only way anymore, but I’m not sure.

I am not depressed, I still take my meds on schedule. I am not frantic. I am surprised; and also rather flummoxed by the realization.

I don’t know what this means in the scheme of things. I don’t know what to do about it, or with it, or if anything should be done at all.

I will have to let this realization sit in my mind for a while.

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4 Comments

  1. gato...

     /  October 15, 2011

    nice realization, eh? 😉

    Reply
  2. Anonymous

     /  October 16, 2011

    As someone in the public defender world, please take yr meds as prescribed. More homeless peeps dissolve into the criminal world because they don’t keep ups with their meds. keep stong in mind, body, & spirit. I have had many clients who went that route. They lost their job, then their safety net, and I meet them when they hit bottom. Perhaps you can connect with the social service providers and work for them, not meaning you should use them for help. You sound too together for their he. You could help others and this will in turn benefit you. Hey, it can’t hurt. Yr reader, Jerryprism

    Reply
  3. Anonymous

     /  October 16, 2011

    Heya Jerry,
    Of course I take the meds as prescribed. : )

    I did miss some doses hit and miss when I first started living in my truck. I had no routine and no way to remind myself or note if I’d taken them or not.

    Now I’m starting to get a bit of an internal routine, internal to the camper, and it’s getting easier to be sure if I’ve taken them or still need too.

    I can imagine though how difficult, if not impossible, it is to keep this kind of thing straight if you’re street homeless.

    The loss of my meds wouldn’t throw me into the criminal world though, I’ve been blessed that I don’t have a particularly addictive personality and I’m not involved with alcohol or street drugs.

    Reply
  4. Anonymous

     /  October 16, 2011

    El Gato Negro!

    Heya
    : D

    Reply

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