Strong people don’t cry.

But I am a weakling, I cry. And worse, every once in a while I try and tell someone why.
Sure, I post all the positive bits here.. it’s supposed to be an adventure! Truth is, my adventure, while not being anything terribly bad, still leaves me feeling like scum. Because I’m supposed to be able to do ANYTHING! Whatever it takes, that’s what I’ll do. Except that I can’t anymore.

I was chatting (IM) with a friend across the country. I was talking about how I wished I was back “home” because I thought there would be a few people that would support me. Let me come take a shower, park outside their homes so I didn’t have to worry about being towed, play with their kids like a normal person, invite me for a hot meal once a week, maybe even help me work on my camper.
But he reminded me that the woman he lives with doesn’t like me so none of that would be possible in his situation.

So yeah… I’d forgotten that part. People choose and I never seem to rank high enough to be chosen.

People don’t want to be reminded of that though. They don’t want to see other people hurting worse than they are because then they might feel guilty about not helping, or not being able to help.
So they say the best thing they can.. “You’ll be fine! You’re strong and such a survivor! Just don’t dwell on it, chin up, just keep kicking! Everyone has problems but you don’t see them whining about it all the time!”

And somehow that just makes me feel worse. Because I’m not as strong as they want to think I am.
You hear about how such and such was such a kind gentle soul who seemed to always be at peace with the world, and then one day he blew his head off, and no one seems to have the foggiest idea why. Really? No idea at all? Cause that kind gentle soul learned not to burden people with his pain, because the few people that did care couldn’t handle it, and most likely no one he’d ever shared his pain with could even begin to understand it and just tried to convince him that he was superman even as he was nosediving towards the ground.

That’s what I feel like today. Most of the time even, though I may not say it and I try to focus on the interesting developments of life as a changing canvas. Because no one wants to hear what life is really like.

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  1. Come and visit, and be welcomed.

  2. Hon, Strong People *DO* cry! Mostly they’re just sneaky about not letting other people see it. It’s okay. Visit and be welcome here, too. The yard is smaller than Jack’s and I don’t know how Jaeger’ll take Keegan, but you are welcome here. Also I have a butane cartridge stove (spare). It admittedly takes a bit of room, but more than adequately heated my 30′ trailer when I needed it to. Butane cylinders are ~3/$4 if you have a handy Asian market. If you need things mailed to Austin my best (and longest friend in the Universe) is there. I’m sure things could be arranged. {{hugs}}

  3. Brett

     /  October 6, 2011

    Hey, you’re mobile, why *not* come and visit? How long has it been since you’ve been up here?

    • Hey Brett, A couple reasons for the immediate. 1. I’m still in classes, Chem 2 this semester; I’d like to get as much as I can out of it even though I may end up having to retake it. 2. I’ve got SSI and VA claims in the works. The SSI requires my presence at their convenience for hearings and appts and such and did I mention it was at their convenience? argh. 3. Gas is bloody expensive! And my little truck won’t go freeway speeds with the camper on it without visibly watching the gas needle drop. So it’d take me a while to drive up there using back roads and trundling along at 45mph. : D
      I am starting to seriously consider taking the summer to drive up there and drive back though. If I can scrape together enough gas money.

      Last I was up there was Little Wing’s wedding, that was what… 4? 5? years ago?

  4. Art

     /  October 6, 2011

    Heck, you can visit me, too!


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