But I am a weakling, I cry. And worse, every once in a while I try and tell someone why.
Sure, I post all the positive bits here.. it’s supposed to be an adventure! Truth is, my adventure, while not being anything terribly bad, still leaves me feeling like scum. Because I’m supposed to be able to do ANYTHING! Whatever it takes, that’s what I’ll do. Except that I can’t anymore.

I was chatting (IM) with a friend across the country. I was talking about how I wished I was back “home” because I thought there would be a few people that would support me. Let me come take a shower, park outside their homes so I didn’t have to worry about being towed, play with their kids like a normal person, invite me for a hot meal once a week, maybe even help me work on my camper.
But he reminded me that the woman he lives with doesn’t like me so none of that would be possible in his situation.

So yeah… I’d forgotten that part. People choose and I never seem to rank high enough to be chosen.

People don’t want to be reminded of that though. They don’t want to see other people hurting worse than they are because then they might feel guilty about not helping, or not being able to help.
So they say the best thing they can.. “You’ll be fine! You’re strong and such a survivor! Just don’t dwell on it, chin up, just keep kicking! Everyone has problems but you don’t see them whining about it all the time!”

And somehow that just makes me feel worse. Because I’m not as strong as they want to think I am.
You hear about how such and such was such a kind gentle soul who seemed to always be at peace with the world, and then one day he blew his head off, and no one seems to have the foggiest idea why. Really? No idea at all? Cause that kind gentle soul learned not to burden people with his pain, because the few people that did care couldn’t handle it, and most likely no one he’d ever shared his pain with could even begin to understand it and just tried to convince him that he was superman even as he was nosediving towards the ground.

That’s what I feel like today. Most of the time even, though I may not say it and I try to focus on the interesting developments of life as a changing canvas. Because no one wants to hear what life is really like.