But I’m not doing anything wrong!

The past week has been an up and down period for me, no big surprise that eh?

What caught me by surprise a bit was the constant guilt I feel and the weight of “knowing they’re going to get me”.
This isn’t due to being homeless, not for me. This is an old issue for me, as old as I am. When I was growing up I never could manage to do anything “right”. You may think I’m exaggerating, feel free to think so, regardless, the fear of being pulled aside and beaten at any time for doing something or for doing nothing (and being told it was because I was wrong or evil) was real.

Logically, I’ve been telling myself for years that I’m not doing “wrong” things, that I’m not breaking any laws. And I know that it’s true. But part of me inside just *knows* that there’s something I don’t know about that I’m doing wrong (either by action or inaction).

So I’m not too surprised that the predominant feeling this past week has been that I’m going to be arrested or put in jail or fined or even just yelled/sworn at for being what I am. Homeless.

It isn’t illegal to be homeless. It is illegal to sleep in public places, be a public nuisance, and so on. But I’m not doing/being any of those things.

So far, my meetings with the police have been polite, considerate, and even helpful. I was surprised, I’m still surprised.

Supposedly cognitive behavioural therapy can “fix” this.. I’m not sure, I’ve been talking to myself as long as I can remember and it still isn’t fixed. It fixed it enough to convince me that I was crazy because I knew that the part of me that knew I was wrong and evil was wrong. Hoop snake anyone?

Maybe if/when another great depression hits us (or this little recession doesn’t ever get better) more people will acknowledge that what I’m doing isn’t wrong, maybe the strength in numbers will help my lizard brain let go of what it knows it knows.

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