Remember the pink bouncy balls from childhood? The ones you whacked with a stick, bounced off the brick walls, fished out of the storm drains, pulled out of the dogs mouth? That pink bouncy ball? That’s me today.

There’s nothing bad about today, nothing terrible that’s happened.

I think, maybe, it’s just because I’m still so uncertain. I haven’t acclimated yet to the new format of my life. Everything still feels new and unsure.  Am I doing it right? I won’t know until the results of not doing it right smack me upside the head. And there’s no guarantee that even if I am doing it right something won’t still smack me upside the head, life is like that sometimes.

I’m not depressed but I am slightly anxious. I’m waiting for something but I don’t know what it is or which direction it will come from. And because I’m aware of it, I’m trying to be realistic and not let the wariness that is essential for safety overwhelm me.

I don’t know how to balance all the emotions inside, so I’m using energy I should be conserving bouncing from “it’ll be fine!” to “oh my freaking gawd I’m gonna die!”

Of course pink bouncy balls eventually lost their bounce and were pronounced dead. That’s not the result I’m looking for.

I’m thinking I need to find the sweet spot, highly responsive, can sail out of the park but no weird bounces that end up careening off roofs and into the sewer.